


going back to my blue neighborhood

by adelatron26



Series: there for you after all this time [1]
Category: troye sivan/Connor Franta - Fandom
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 02:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11500074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelatron26/pseuds/adelatron26
Summary: Troye and Connor stopped talking for awhile and its now 2017 and they think through some things apart and eventually together





	1. Chapter 1

Connor let his fingers wade through dust motes dancing around in the sunlight filtering through his window.  
His hand comes to rest on his forehead and he moves to his side.He has to blink twice to remove the imaginary figure of Troye outlined on his bed.His cheeky smile calling out to him trying to seduce him with his doe-like eyes. 

And when he goes to reach out to him,suddenly the image dissipates into the dust motes.  
He is surely losing his mind right?  
I mean no friend imagines his other best friend as lying next to him practically naked nor does a friend use adjectives such a seductive and doe eyed to describe his completely platonic best friend.  
Then again going with this line of questioning has a crazy person ever been aware they are crazy or admitted it without being made to face it? 

'time for coffee' he groans,maybe that would help settle his thoughts although ironically surely caffeine would make him more hyper and exacerbate his over thinking. 

Perhaps concentrating on a new video would help take his mind off it.  
That is until he notices a notification from instagram on Martin Garrix's page of some NYC event for all the new young artists. 

In between runway models and various artists there sat his pixie like best friend staring into the camera almost past the lens straight into Connors soul.  
He suddenly felt self-conscious and hugged himself and as he sat staring out his window,the mug of coffee providing the only warmth he'd had in a while,he wondered how they had come to this point?how did two people who were inseparable go radio silent? 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Troye woke with a feeling of emptiness and loneliness though he was surrounded by people on either side of his hotel room.  
He was simply bereft of genuine caring people,people that he left behind somehow along the way.  
Actually he had an idea of how it came to be this way,he was impulsive and rash when he decided to start this journey of gaining a music career for himself. 

He really regretted it now,those people that were a part of his reality but then again 'hurt can make children out of adults' apparently.  
He remembered why he started all this,to escape the small town that he thought trapped him and held him back,he wanted to breath and hold off the responsibilities he owed his family.  
He missed those small comforts that small town afforded him however and he couldn’t recall that without remembering his first love, though unrequited he still longed for that simplistic time.  
Maybe coffee would help him forget for a while or by some chance of luck maybe it would give him clarity.


	2. Chapter 2

They would usually formulate their own games when JC and Ricky came over to hang out and ended sleeping over.  
It annoyed them no end however when only Troye and Connor communicated in their own secret language,a type of Morse code consisting of 'oohs' and 'urms' 

The two boys also tended to miss the frequent glances the others had between them as if to say 'do they know they are being obnoxiously gay towards each other?' 

There was something comforting about the way they would fall asleep beside each other and one would hug the waist of the other protectively. 

There was nothing wrong with that surely all best friends were this close and comfortable with each other.it was totally fine with Connor up until it wasn’t for Troye and Connor was so intuitive to know when he was pulling away.  
Missed calls led to no communication for weeks which leaked into months of no sleepovers.But what hurt the most was when Troye announced he was leaving youtube in order to try music. 

This was such a monumental moment in his life that he would have usually talked to Connor about but that never happened this time and then he was gone.  
The insomnia happened a week after Troye left for New York,Connor couldn’t stop fretting,he missed the comfort of another person beside him.Growing up he had been a cuddler too so for an extended period of time bedtime became a nightmare.A conscious nightmare where he couldn’t sleep or lost hours due to fretting or tossing and turning. 

He's learnt to live with it over time of course where the exhaustion overtakes him and he has no physical choice but to sleep.  
What he couldn’t admit to himself or to his therapist however was that he would never cure it until he solved the problem causing it. 

   
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They were best friends,truly connected on another level as two boys from a small town that longed for escape which for them at that time consisted of drawing silly sketches of each other and board games. 

The sun came through the trees and made patterns in the grass as they lay in the early April sun.He was with JC,Ricky and Connor at Connor's apartment and they were playing the 'say anything' game. 

Ricky kept poking Connor's arm playfully but it irked Troye for some reason which was so unlike him.why did he keep noticing out of the corner of his eye?wait...was he jealous? Yeah okay maybe he was jealous of their secret joke that the rest of them weren't in on. 

Connor gave Ricky that cute big smile and Troye finally lost it.  
'why do I feel like I'm third wheeling here?'  
Both Ricky and Connor stopped and looked at him shocked. 

They all sat up and Troye got up  
'I'm going to go get some snacks' 

Before he turned to leave he felt a hand grab his arm and pull him further toward a tree. 

He turned to see Ricky  
'what are you doing?'  
'that’s my question actually,what was that all about?'  
Ricky stood back and crossed his arms as stubborn as ever  
'what do you mean,you two were practically all over each other?'  
'and you freaked out,why don’t you just admit it Troye?'  
'what are you on-  
'we've all seen it except you two dumbasses,I decided maybe it was time for a push'  
'you did that on purpose to make me jealous?'  
Ricky knew he had him then  
'so you were jealous then...you like him don’t you?'  
Troye hunched in on himself suddenly deflated  
'I more than like him okay but it doesn’t matter'  
'you have to tell him Troye before its too late I mean he's a good looking guy and so are you..so why not?'  
'I'm not going to tell him Rick,its just never been an option since I started feeling differently, I know from his point of view were just friends'  
Ricky grabbed him by the shoulder and shook him wide eyed  
'are you kidding me?he couldn’t be more smitten with you,its like watching a Disney movie with you two'  
They both watch Connor making a daisy chain and the way his tongue stuck out in concentration  
'it's already too late now anyway,I'm getting out of here Rick'  
'what are you talking about?'  
Rick now looks genuinely confused  
'I have something lined up,music wise there is a record company interested in me in New York,I've got to get away from here you know that' 

'I know you wanted to do music but New York,seriously?have you told him?'  
Now it was Troye's turn to grab Ricky's shoulder  
'listen I need you to promise me something okay?'  
Ricky nodded desolate  
'I need you to care for him okay,watch him because I know he won't take this well'  
'is he not even worth fighting for T?'  
Ricky asked almost in a whisper  
'I have to make something of myself Rick show my family and friends and those closest to me a better version of myself' 

He held out his pinkie finger to Troye as he promised to keep an eye on Connor till Troye returned.  
The weeks coming up to Troye's departure were turbulent to say the least.There conversations tended to turn into nothing more than arguments.Connor felt betrayed and Troye felt like Connor wanted to stifle his growth. 

Their friends were left in the aftermath stuck in the blowout of the sparring.  
Eventually they stopped hanging out altogether which ultimately led to them doing their own things. But Ricky still kept his promise through all of this and was there as a kind of go between the two. 

So given the opportunity would fate give them the right path they wanted? 

This is how Connor finished his video titled 'fate and the future' he usually didn’t do spiritual videos but this was an idea that was on his mind for a while now and he did like to be challenge himself.  
Just as he was about to grab a mug of coffee he heard a knock on the door  
It was 8.30pm and the weather had taken a sudden turn for the worst as rain hailed from the sky 

He frowned and made his way to the door eyeing it suspiciously  
Sometimes the universe threw you a challenge in the form of the mirage you feared the most


	3. Chapter 3

Mouth agape but not forgetting his manners,Connor finally spoke   
'come in you must be soaked,I'llgo grab you a towel' 

His heart was in his throat as he tried to keep a cool head which coincidentally was also burning up   
He stood in the doorway watching just for a second wondering whether this was just a mirage or real   
He teetered between anger and utter shock as he walked toward him   
'so I grabbed you a towel and some spare clothes'   
He eyed him furtively feeling like he faced a stranger now 

'hey Con can you please sit down for a moment?you're kind of pacing' 

Connor not aware of his pacing took a deep breath and decided to sit at the far end of the sofa.   
'Troye,what the hell are you doing here?'   
Said not aggressively but genuinely interested.   
'first of all am I a good surprise or a bad one?'   
Without a moments hesitation Connor replied   
'a good one always a good one but unexpected if I'm honest' 

'thank God' Troye heaved a sigh of relief and Troye moved closer to Connor to wrap him in a hug.   
Connor froze and didn’t know what to do so he kept statue like.   
'sorry I kind of smothered you there and I soaked you'   
Troye sat back and lowered his eyes.   
'how about you go change and we can continue talking okay?'   
'that’s a good idea' Troye's eyes trailed to the coffee machine and noticed the mug beside it. 

'can I have one too? Same as yours?'   
Connor nodded as he followed Troye's eyes.He remembered that coffee was one of the things that brought them together they had the same simplistic tastes and many sessions of slurping contests took place since then. 

Watching Troye enter in his slacks and t-shirt was such a sight Connor's throat clicked and he had to cough to distract himself.   
Troye sat shyly beside Connor and mirrored sitting cross-sitting on the sofa.   
He fiddled with the cuff of his oversized jumper and Troye had to stop himself reaching out and stilling his hand.   
'your anxiety playing up again?' Though he said it in a concerned soft voice Connor flashed a warning sign that it was too close.   
'no..i'm fine, it doesn’t disrupt me anymore,'   
To try and talk about something lighter Troye glanced the room   
'so did I interrupt your filming?'   
'yeah I tried something a little different,im happy with it'   
He answered in an almost monotone   
'I saw your photos of the NYC party'   
'oh yeah it was a good night,you know they are all like the first really'   
They were making small talk   
'so do you still hang out with Ricky and the others?'   
'Ricky has been very good to me actually he drives me to therapy and all that'   
'and the others?'   
'you know how it is with Youtubers and I've been super busy with the book and every-   
'they miss you you know,a lot of people miss you'   
'please don’t-   
'They're concerned about you'   
'I'm fine Troye...no really I've learned to stand on my own two feet without friends and family' 

Troye could see the tears well and waited for the dam to break   
'I've learned that not everything in your life is constant,clearly friends come and go and I've learned that being dependent was a problem and independency was a better idea'   
Now he was rocking back and forth and lost in his own thoughts   
'feelings ebb and flow and overtime scars heal but the reminder is always there because your mentality is scarred for life and I can't take it back,I can't take it back....i can't take it- 

He broke completely falling into Troye's arms exhausted from the repression 

'shh,its okay,change is good Connor change is what brought me here' 

Troye spent the next few hours singing into his hair and stroked his head until he fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

He woke to the sweet smell of maple syrup and rolled over slightly groggy which meant he had his first real deep sleep in along time.   
He contemplated whether to go and investigate or stay there and enjoy the feeling of being fully rested his body still heavy with sleep.   
His eyes shot open,it really was important to confront the invader who was seemly making himself at home in Connor's kitchen surely.   
He sat up and pulled back the covers discovering he was also still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.   
He froze as his bedroom door opened and a tray came first followed by a smiling Troye and Connor only became more tense.   
'good morning Con,thought you might like a delicious and nutritious breakfast'   
Connor simply sat and shook his head from side to side and blinked rapidly yesterday's events completely escaping him. 

'you'll catch flies if you leave your mouth open like that'   
The voice sounded so familiar and real though Connor still feared he might have finally lost it.   
'uhm sorry I just can't quite recollect what led to me being served breakfast in bed by...you...of all people' 

'oh yeah I thought so given your rendition of the scream' 

He approached the bed cautiously and sat down waiting for Connor's cue.   
Connor simply sat and fidgeted with his bedsheet.   
Troye sighed and spilled what he had been waiting to say   
'so basically I've been foolish.I missed everyone especially you.I never realised until recently you were my buoy holding me down to reality and when I left I all but cut that rope and floated away because I wanted to grow learn and explore new things new countries' 

Connor listened while taking the plate of Pancakes into his lap.   
'and I found my niche,I found my talent lay in the music industry but I didn’t like what I changed into after that point'   
'I changed into an evil person of myself lets say'   
'was that a spiderman analogy?'   
Connor asked not helping himself   
Troye gave him a please shut up and eat the pancakes'   
'but then I thought I've gone too far and you guys wouldn’t even recognise the person I'd become,I wanted desperately to not be so angry and bitter and not just some small boy that left'   
'we are all small town boys Troye but you went over the top to gain your success,it felt to us like you'd outgrown us and we weren't enough for you anymore,we felt abandoned'   
Troye new the last part actually implied it was only Connor that felt this way since Ricky became more understanding as time went on and Troye skyped him regularly. 

'I regret that so much Con,I've missed so much and you’ve grown into a man I look up to,the funny,inspirational and creative person I knew you to be deep down'   
This did manage to pull a smile out of Connor however as he always did enjoy anyone praising him since he heard it so rarely out loud.   
'I woke up this morning surrounded by people all related to my career and not to me personally,the ones who know me so well inside and out and those that have been there when I was nothing'   
As the conversation became serious and more heavy Connor decided to address the elephant in the room still weighing on their minds.   
'but you seemed so sure and decisive to leave,you practically ran from here without looking back like you never gave us a second thought'   
'you have haunted my dreams and waking life for months now Con,I should have just listened to Ricky and..   
Connor laced his fingers through Troye's hands as if he sensed a breakthrough.   
'and what?'   
'and told you explicitly what I merely hinted at in the time we spent together'   
Connor whispered his voice cracking at as he kept his attention on their hands. 

'you can tell me now'   
'I don’t know if I have such courage right now and it may only upset you'   
'well can I take you're queue and tell you something?'   
'of course, anything?'   
'this will either break or make us but I'm willing to risk our relationship for this it's therapeutic for me as it is clearing the air'   
He gulped and continued staring at a spot to the side of Troye's head   
'our friendship was one of the best things that ever occurred in my life,our little adventures,our little life,that was my escape from the mundane world we lived in.It may have been a simple sleepover for your guys but for me it took my mind off things for a while ' 

Connor found the courage to now make full eye contact with Troye.   
'after a while I found myself nervous and excited for the next day when we would hang out,but particularly when we would have our little hangout'   
Surprise flashed in Troye's eyes but he let Connor continue disbelieving what he was hearing   
'my emotions shifted and I found myself hanging on the edge of a precipice wondering what was going on within my heart,I fought restlessly with the truth and began finding solace in denial'   
Suddenly his lips were covered with Troye's as he felt his heart race.   
He pulled back and smiled as Troye caught on to his poetic mumbling   
'please pinch me because I definitely think this is a dream'Connor said shell-shocked.   
'I don’t think I ever expected this to happen Con,beyond my wildest dreams.   
'are you telling me you had feelings for me too?'   
'ever since the very first sleepover and we built a mini fort out of cheetos'   
'I remember noticing how your blue eyes reflected the sky like a mirror when we sat in the sun'   
'I can't believe we've wasted so much time when I could have been combing my fingers through your hair or holding your hands or kissing that soft spot on your shoulder' 

'we have to take this slowly T,I need time okay..to digest everything' Connor brought their foreheads together and breathed heavily   
Though Troye's stomach dropped,he stood respecting Connor's need for space and kissed his fore head before reaching the door and added   
'I'll check on you later Con I'm not going too far,ever again'   
The last part was said so aggressively it took Connor off guard but he smiled wiped the tears from his eyes and walked limply to his bedroom spent from unburdening himself.   
___________________________________________________ _______________________________________  
Connor woke from a less than restful sleep but unlike all the other days he felt lighter rising from his bed happy to start the day.   
He bounced sprightly into the kitchen and brewed some coffee,he opened his kitchen window to the fresh air and he inhaled a full lungful of it.   
A text rang on his phone and he saw it was Ricky,he went to get dressed and face the day making his way over to Ricky's house.   
It was like a surprise party when he walked up Ricky's driveway as JC and Calyn were playing frisbee on the front lawn.   
The front door opened and Ricky appeared first followed by Troye just behind him.   
Ricky pulled him into a hug,a routine they'd fallen into since Connor had started to go to therapy.   
'hey look who's just joined us too' Ricky gave way to introduce Troye to Connor watching his reaction.   
''hey'Connor said shyly   
'hello again Con' Troye smiled,it was as if they were inexperienced schoolkids discovering adult emotions.   
'let's sit down under the tree,ive grabbed us some towels to lie on'   
'uhh Rick is that a yoga mat?' Connor pointed to one of the items under Ricky's arm bemused.   
'yeah they are surprisingly comfy as a seat you know'   
Troye and Connor both exchanged a knowing look.   
'come on guys,you think I don't do exercise,I can exercise ok?'   
Connor started giggling.   
'yeah reaching out to grab the remote from your coffee table with your foot is not exercise Rick'   
'excuse me I have it on good authority I'm quite flexible' the sexual pun wasn’t missed on both of the boys when they blushed awkwardly and found the ground extremely interesting.   
'ok well I'm going to play with the guys for a while since,show off my manly skills'   
Both Ricky and Troye laughed at that as Connor ran off to join JC and Calyn. 

'so what took you so long?' Ricky started off not hesitating .   
Troye settled in for the oncoming interrogation.   
'I'm not going to make excuses,because I respect you too much'   
'this is the first time I've seen his smile in months' they both watched the boys play piggy in the middle with Connor in the middle.   
'thank you for keeping an eye on him for me'   
'id dint do it for you and besides im not done yet'   
Troye turned to Ricky and frowned   
'what do you mean?'   
'I feel like I have to protect him from you T,you haven't seen the worst of him not at all,you spent all of what five minutes last night and seen a few tears and you think that’s the full extent of his troubles'   
Troye rolled his eyes   
'obviously not,do you think I'm that stupid Rick,but I'm not going anywhere, not now' 

'are you kidding me? Don’t you think you're being here is undoing all the healing he's done,and what happens when you get a call to return to NYC what then?' 

Before Troye had the chance to interrupt Ricky continued trying to keep his voice low but dangerous   
'you weren't there the numerous times I was called to pick him off the street completely intoxicated,the fits he had at night and woke up sweating like he was possessed and the one time he tried to...   
'Ricky stopped and shielded his eyes from the sun and from Troye realising he had gone too far   
'when he what Rick?'   
'I can't-   
'tell me now Rick' Troye shook him by the shoulders and asked murderously low.   
'I got to him just in time T,a couple seconds later and he would have...he would have'   
But Ricky couldn’t finish as he choked back the tears that threaten to remind him of that time he nearly lost his friend.


	5. Chapter 5

Troye and Ricky had a face off of who would bring Connor home but luckily he was too tired after the day's activity to take any notice. In the end Ricky agreed to take them both home which ended up being a strange experience for Troye since he wasn’t involved in much of the conversation. 

'so are you going to need a ride to therapy this week Con?'Ricky asked as if it was a normal thing they discussed regularly all while glancing at Troye in the rearview mirror.   
Connor huffed a sigh and replied   
'I'd forgot about that given the whole turn of events recently'   
Ricky nodded while Troye glanced away guiltily.   
'well if you do I am always here and we're still on for cinema night thursday right?'   
'yeah sure wouldn’t miss it for the world'   
Most of the trip to Connor's house Troye remained completely silent until he got out with Connor as he explained   
'im going to get off here with Connor,thanks for the lift back Rick,and it's good to see you again man'he said as he gave him a hug.   
They were civil towards each other before Ricky gave in and whispered so Connor couldn’t hear.   
'you better not mess this up T, because I won't let that happen again'   
'I promise I won't' Troye replied not intimidated but instead he felt lucky to know such a protective friend.   
He kept his eyes trained on Connor as he got back into his car like a mother leaving her son to the dangers of the world.   
He supposed only through his actions could he convince Ricky and everyone else that he was sincere in his intentions to stay by Connor's side. 

Connor sluggishly made his way up the drive eyeing Troye warily.   
'not that im not happy you're here but I'm just not used to having a companion walk me to my door'   
'is it ok if I come in for a bit?'   
'cup of coffee?'   
'id love one'Troye smiled but Connor knew it was forced.   
As they sat hugging the warm mugs in their hands as the sky turned a dull maroon,Troye tapped Connor's knee to gain his attention and Connor knew this was going to be a solemn conversation.   
'Connor I may not have any right to ask this but I can't ignore asking about therapy and how its going?' 

'its great,in fact I think I've jumped the last hurdle to complete my healing process'   
'im so sorry Con I really am' Troye raised his head to make eye contact with a concerned Connor.   
He huddled closer and set his mug down to wrap an arm around Troye as the sobs only came faster and louder like a snowball effect.   
Connor waited until Troye was ready.   
'I could have saved you this torture Con,to think if id just been brave enough to open up to you back then and not run away like a coward'   
'hey youre not a coward who gave you permission to call yourself that?' 

'I didn’t know it was that bad Con..if I hadn't been a stupid piece of shit and called you every now and then you wouldn’t have tried to...to'   
Connor now reached his own conclusion on what Troye couldn’t verbalize. 

'Ricky told you didn’t he?' Connor said through clenched teeth he rubbed his dry eyes.They felt like sandpaper as he blinked pinching the bridge of his nose.   
His thoughts became erratic as he shot up and began pacing.   
'listen Troye,I lost myself for a while I also had no buoy to hang onto no weight to hold me down and I guess I shamefully let the fame go to my head'   
From Troye's confused frown Connor went on   
'I suppose Rick never told you that huh?it wasn't all sown to you T'   
'but I might have triggered that Con can't you see I cut the ropes that held you grounded'   
'I was falling apart before that Troye you know that, I was ill,I'm still ill'   
They both acknowledged the truth of Connor's words,he had an ilness and not just one but two which Troye had seen Connor through many a time.   
Connor started having episodes when they were still in their teens.He had begged Troye not to let the other's know as if they were the parents of the group protecting the younger boys innocence from the harsh realities of the world. 

Troye would still Connor's hands when he fidgeted in his seat at whatever event they were at.He always had a bag on him when they were out and about so Connor's anxiety attack wouldn’t result in him fainting. 

'the more the money came in and the lack of responsibilities or parental guidance, I free-fell into a spiral of self –destruction' Troye met Connor's eyes and for the first time he saw a wise yet weathered person person standing before him.   
'things happen in life that test us as human beings,we are pushed to the point where we are nearly knocked unconscious with so much pain and self-hatred'   
'that was an act of losing all self-control'Troye knew what he was referring to without mentioning the word.   
'and s extreme as it was,I did gain some control ,a retrospective of myself as I heard my heard beat in my ears.I was alive and I could start anew'   
Troye held Connor's steady gaze as he stood in front of him and cupped his face   
'would you be willing to let me in and start a new chapter with me?'   
In answer Connor kissed Troye softly yet yearning.   
'will you stay with me tonight and just hold me?'   
Troye bit his lip as he nodded and Connor led him by the hand to his room.


	6. Chapter 6

Sunlight evaded the bedroom that morning as if to not interrupt their peaceful slumber. 

Troye woke to find Connor splayed out on his back in a blissful deep sleep,he rolled to his side and when he reached out to brush the side of his face Connor rolled over and peeked one eye open.   
He waited like a deer in the headlights waiting to see how Connor would react   
Connor smiled a big toothy grin and in his husky morning voice said   
'good morning sleepy head,how did you sleep?' 

Troye let go of the breath he was holding and continued to reach out and wrap an arm around his waist. 

'better than I have in along time' he replied and Connor whispered   
'yeah me too,you have no idea' he moved to stretch and repositioned himself to cuddle into Troye as he added   
'I don’t want to move from here'   
'not even for coffee?'Troye queried.   
'well..hmm..maybe one thing could make me rise'   
They stayed silent as the reality and situation hit them fully.   
Connor twinned their fingers together between them as he explained   
'so I don’t think Ricky told you but I barely slept in the last,god knows how long.I denied any intervention and just allowed nature to take its course' 

Troye's eyes widened as he reached out and stroked Connor's face,he nudged into it.   
'exhaustion usually took over some time in the morning just before sunrise and my body was unbale to resist what my mind struggled against'   
'oh Con,Im so sorry from here on in I owe you a lifetime of care'   
'but you just being here is cure enough,I feel so well rested and sleepy'   
They were lost in each others eyes and everything else blurred around them as they gravitated towards each other.   
Troye lay a hand on Connor's chest as he asked   
'Con is it okay if I kiss you?I just really want to'   
In response,Connor leaned in and kissed Troye softly.They fitted together like a puzzle piece and molded together like clay pot.   
Their colours blended like an abstract piece of art and brightness in the background added illumination to the beautiful creation they were.   
It was the first step in a in a very long stairs that they could not see the end of yet but they were heading in the right direction at the right place at the right time.


End file.
